Still Silent, My Journey through Christianity

Still Silent, My Journey through Christianity
by Kevin

Hello, my name is Kevin and I am not a Christian. I was born a Catholic, baptised a Catholic, and got my First Communion as a Catholic. Am I the only person thinking of the Monty Python song, "Every Sperm is Sacred?" ;-) For the most part being Catholic is nothing like being a fundamentalist. Yes, I went to church. I sortof remember CCD (think sunday school) and stuff but church was never a big deal. My mom always believed strongly but was balanced by my dad who didn't care one way or the other. Then the worst thing happened.

My parents started having marital problems. These suck anyway but they were compounded by the fact that my mother firmly believed it was God causing the problems because my dad was a heathen. They went through almost annual seperations and I moved back and forth for several years. During this time my mother became disillusioned with the Catholic faith. We started church hopping. We tried all kinds of churches but mostly fundamentalist ones. I will skip a bunch here but right after 6th grade my parents finally divorced and my mother settled into the Assemblies of God church. This story might be a little confused chronologically but I am pretty sure I got first communion before this started.

My mother went pretty hard core for a while. We were there Fridays for Royal Rangers (their Boy Scouts), Saturday for prayer, Sunday -- two services, Tuesday youth group, and Wednesday mid-week service. All my friends were from the church and all my free time was spent there. I will be honest; I never was able to take religion seriously. Oh, I tried. But it was a constant battle trying to convince myself that I really believed it. Finally, I was convicted in service one night to really devote everything to God.

I tried for 7 weeks. I would pray everyday. I would read my bible and repeat affirmations in my head. I tried to feel God, even calling out to him to make himself known to me. I was determined to know God and live like he wanted me to. I even fasted a couple of those days trying to reach him. Finally, I was sitting in my English class and started to repeat to myself what I "supposedly" believed. After I finished my mental spiel the voice asked, "Do you believe this?" At first I almost laughed -- why would I even ask that? But then, deep down, I heard myself respond, softly "No." This was deeply convincing for me. I had suppressed this voice for so long that there was little denying it anymore.

I went through a period of doubt, depression, etc. Trying to figure out what I believed since I didn't believe in God. I wasn't a Satanist or an Atheist which were the only options I knew about. Eventually, I decided not to worry about it. I would have the rest of my life to decide what happens when I die or what I believe. Soon after that I found Erisianism (Sortof Zen Buddhism for Westerners) and have been one since. What really secured my conversion was the fact that while I was trying like hell to find God everyone thought my walk was horrible. But once I stopped believing in God several people commented to my mother and me that they could tell how strong my walk was growing. LOL

There was no way I could come out about my beliefs! I just played the game like a pro! I went on annual summer mission trips, did all the church things, and actually became a leader in the Youth Group. Of course, I wasn't their perfect person because I would rarely "go for the throat" and get people saved. I think I only led three people to the lord during the years that followed and all of them had made the choice without my assistence. I felt bad at times because of the double life I was leading. But I told myself that when I left home I would tell my mom.

I left home and went to college. I still couldn't tell my mom. I told myself that I would tell her when I turned 21. Now, to be clear, my beliefs don't require me to tell anyone and they don't discourage practicing any other beliefs so I wasn't actually hurting myself but I wanted to be honest with her. I tried to tell her when I turned 21. I got as far as, "Mom, I don't believe in God exactly as you do." That is when she lost it. I tried to wait it out. I had to deal with her, my sisters, my cousins, my aunt, and my uncle all trying to convert me back. All never asking what I really believed just assuming I was an atheist. The only other faith-based discussion was when I explain to my mom that heaven horrified me as much as hell. Any place without change would bore me to death. She assured me that God would "fix" my brain (aka lobotomy) so it wouldn't bother me.

After two weeks of this I ended up at a Christian camp ground. Surrounded 24/7 with people trying to win me back to God. I held out for the whole week. I did break down crying once because of guilt I felt over an injury my sister has to deal with but I held my ground. Finally we left. I sat down one morning and had a long, long mediatation -- just thinking really. I decided that not telling was just better all around. It wasn't hurting me and it made dealing with family easier.

I told them I was just kidding. I am serious that is all I said. It was magic. Everything went back to normal. It was as if nothing had happened at all. No need to pray the sinner's prayer... no interrogation... it seemed that if I was willing to pretend to be a Christian they could pretend I had never told them otherwise. It has been two and a half years since then. I am still silent about my religion. I expect I will be silent for much longer. I have reduced my participation in church as much as possible. I haven't been in five weeks at this point but I still get dragged along. Scheduling my job on Sunday mornings helps.

Well this is where I am at. Long pointless story really. I had a very short time of recovery because I never really bought the religion subconsciously. It never made sense to my inate world view. But I figured I would post it...

Guillaume's Testimony, "Recovering from Christianity"

Guillaume's Testimony, "Recovering from Christianity"
by Guillaume

Man, even the word "testimony" still sounds bad to me.

I am myself "recovering from christianity" and I think it was really hard to take a stand, get out of the church and start thinking by myself. I was always told that people who did that were "rebelious" and filled with anger against the church and against God. I thought that people only left the church because they were frustrated, and then lived a meaningless life filled with guilt and sorrow.

I am moving in two weeks with the woman of my dreams, an atheist, and feel deeply happy for the first time in my life. For the first time I can experience true love, not as the utopia presented by the pentecostal church but as a day-by-day relationship with highs and lows, but mostly intense happiness.

I have rediscovered the joys of sex, without the guilt. I have rediscovered the joys of having an unbiased point of view. I can have a beer with a couple of friends, tell a few dirty jokes, and feel good about it. I can also discuss philosophy, and not be on the defensive all the time. I made many friends in the "secular" world, and most of them make any christian sound very shallow in comparison.

I stopped blaming myself when things were wrong and thanking God when they were right. I learned to take credit for my accomplishments and responsibility for my mistakes. I realized I was human, just like 6 billion of us, and was not "chosen" for any special mission, but had to create my own personal destiny.

I do not feel any hatred towards Christians, just a deep, sincere indifference. And, you know what? This way, I feel so much closer to God.

Guillaume

Montreal, Canada

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ED BABINSKI: Thanks for visiting the website and for submitting your testimony Guillaume!

Here are some quotations that remind me of what you said at the end of your testimony below:

Let God alone if need be. Methinks, if I loved him more, I should keep him -- I should keep myself, rather -- at a more respectful distance. It is not when I am going to meet him, but when I am just turning away and leaving him alone, that I discover that God is. I say, God. I am not sure that is the name. You will know whom I mean.

Doubt may have "some divinity" about it.

Atheism may be comparatively popular with God himself.

When a pious visitor inquired sweetly, "Henry, have you made your peace with God?" he replied, "We have never quarreled."

- Henry David Thoreau as quoted in Henry David Thoreau: What Manner of Man? By Edward Wagenknecht

Best,

Edward T. Babinski

Alternative to the Twelve Steps: Rational Recovery and SMART

I have heard tales of how unproductive some FA meetings were, with people sitting around in a circle of chairs bemoaning everything from little church indignities they'd suffered to financial and personal disasters incurred under their church's aegis, and of course, the occaisional ranting fundie turned atheist. A lot of steam was let out and probably very little light shed at such gatherings, and the original FA had branches around the country. Perhaps, with the continuing rise of the Religious Right and their bestsellers and bookstores and mega churches and mindless minions, that the time is probably ripe for another FA leader to arise and testify before Congress, just as Richard Yao did when Jerry Fallwell's Moral Majority was making waves.

But I still suspect that working one on one with friends is the best way any of us can come to see the true light.

In general, the only books or ideas that influence us are those for which we are ready for, and which have gone just a tad bit futher down our particular path than we have gone ourselves -- This is especially true when a person is changing from a more rigid to a less rigid position on various issues. We don't break out of rigidity easily, though it's relatively easy to fall into a rigid mindset on any number of issues and beliefs. We hypnotize ourselves into thinking there is only one reality tunnel very easily, and further hypnotize ourselves into thinking they we have found the right one, all others be damned. (Read E. M. Cioran, A Short History of Decay, or Robert Anton Wilson, Prometheus Rising and the sequel, Quamtum Psychology for more info.)

Best, Edward T. Babinski

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For information on Rational Recovery

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Also visit - - SMART

"To support individuals who have chosen to abstain, or are considering abstinence from any type of addictive behavior, (substances or activities), by teaching how to change self-defeating thinking, emotions, and actions; and to work towards long-term satisfactions and quality of life.

Our Approach:
- Teaches self-empowerment and self-reliance.
- Works on addictions/compulsions as complex maladaptive behaviors
with possible physiological factors.
- Teaches tools and techniques for self-directed change.
- Encourages individuals to recover and live satisfying lives.
- Meetings are educational and include open discussions.
- Advocates the appropriate use of prescribed medications and psychological treatments.
- Evolves as scientific knowledge evolves.

SMART Recovery® is made up of many dedicated volunteers. These volunteers consist of recovered, recovering and never addicted individuals, and professionals.

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Rational Recovery Self-Help Meetings
The Four Components of RR
AVRT-ing Addictive Voices
Permanent Abstinence
Unconditional Self-Acceptance
RET and Emotional Extremes
Dangerous Extremes
Some Final Thoughts
RR sees addiction as a technical problem with a technical solution. We try to demystify addiction and recovery. Many current approaches accept the inevitability of continued emotional dependency; they expect you to replace dependence on drugs and alcohol with dependence on something more benign. In RR, you are given the means to reject dependence as a matter of principle and to form a personal philosophy that is conducive to a durable, fulfilling recovery. Also, RR does not tell anyone what to believe about, spirituality, religion, morality, or ethics. Every person should be free to make up his or her own mind about such things.